Tales of the Parodyverse

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Jack
Fri Apr 22, 2005 at 08:42:00 pm EDT
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Fleabot's Gift (part 1-Gloria follow up)
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PROLOGUE:
    I’ve been following him since he made a left at Mercy and Hope. He got off work around six and pulled out of the construction site in a purple Chevy. He’s a big guy, and I can sense he’s the type who has a quick temper. Maybe he’s always had a temper. I can tell he’s like one of those bears that plays with a snowball and goes into a rage when the snowball crumbles.

I wish I could say he was a complete villain, but that’s not how life is; that’s now how people are. Very few people are complete villains. And he’s not one of them. He works long hours in construction, so he can pay his sister’s medical bills and in return, she lets him stay at her house.

Before heading home, he stops at bar. He parks his purple Chevy across the street from the entrance. I pilot my Black Caddy into the parking lot behind the bar. He has no idea I’ve been following him.

It’s dark and smoky in the bar and it smells like vomit. It’s a true Hell’s Bathroom bar. There’s just enough light from red and blue neon signs for me to navigate through the dark. I grab a stool next to him and ask him if he wants to buy me a drink. He says, “Sure thing baby.” When I look at him, I wonder what’s his ethnicity. He looks almost Samoan or the like. I wonder what Gloria’s ethnicity is too.

He’s looks me over and likes what he sees. He cups my knee with one of his huge hands. “You want to go out back?” I ask him. He nods in the affirmative. As we stand up, he runs his hand over my fishnet stockings, over my black mini-skirt and lets it rest on my hip.

In the parking lot, he leans into me, pushing me against my Cadillac. He tries kissing me, and I put a hand on his chest and push him back.

“I want to talk to you about Gloria.”

“What? That fucking kid? She’s a little turd.”

“I want you to leave her alone.”

“Hey, who the fuck are you?”

No more words. He doesn’t understand words. I grab him by the balls and twist. Then, we have a long discussion about healthy ways to channel your anger.



Fleabot’s Gift (part 1)

Fleabot found himself sitting on the counter of Bean and Donut Coffee shop watching the morose girl in a booth across from him. She wore a pair of huge black headphones and sipped coffee. Fleabot was confused. He thought the petite brunette was too young to be alone and to be drinking coffee, so he hopped off the counter to investigate where her parents might be.
    
Gloria swished her black braids behind her shoulder with one hand. Lysette had braided her hair one night just for fun. Lysette had done much for Gloria since she got out of the hospital last month. When Gloria explained to Lysette she couldn’t go back home, Lysette offered Gloria a place to stay until she found Gloria’s uncle and adjusted his testosterone levels. Since then, Lysette, Gloria and Gloria’s mother worked out a deal where Gloria was allowed back in the house, and her uncle was most certainly not.
    
Gloria’s feet didn’t quite reach the tile of coffee shop. As she sat in the booth, listening to her music, her little Dock Martin tapped the air just above the floor. Just then, a small robotic flea jumped on the table and gave Gloria a start. She took off her earphones.
    
“Oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to scare you,” Fleabot said. “Are you lost little girl. Do you know where you’re parents are?”
    
“Little girl?” Gloria asked.
    
“Oh, I’m sorry, I didn’t realize…” Fleabot saw that the little girl in the booth wasn’t a little girl at all, but a healthy angst ridden teenager.
    
“Ping!” Fleabot found himself flying through the air, and he bounced off the cushion seat opposite of Gloria. He sprung back on the table.
    
“Hey now, that was uncalled…”
    
“Ping!” Damn, this girl is quick Fleabot thought, as he flew through the air again, hit the cushion, and bounced off. He heard the girl let out a mischievous giggle and he sprung back on to the table once more.
    
“It’s on now girl,” Fleabot said, and then, he made mock Bruce Lee catcalls as he dropped into a Karate stance and moved his hands about in chopping motions. Gloria giggled again and tried flicking Fleabot once more, but Fleabot jumped over her finger.
    
“Hrmmm,” Gloria hummed in frustration.
    
“Ha, ha…”
    
“Ping!” This is getting old, Fleabot thought and hit the cushion once more. When Fleabot jumped back on the table, Gloria was preparing to flick him one more time, but just then, Lysette grabbed her hand.
    
“That’s enough Gloria. I’m sorry about this Fleabot. We’re working on not hitting people, aren’t we Gloria.”
    
“Awww,” Gloria pouted.
    
“Lysette?” Fleabot was very surprised. “Is this your daughter?”
    
“Do I look that old? Jezze Fleabot, she’s one of the kids I’m helping out. By the way Fleabot, this is Gloria, Gloria, Fleabot.”
    
“Hiya,” Gloria said.
    
“Hi yourself,” Fleabot said while giving Gloria a wary glance with one raised eyebrow.
    
“I’m taking Gloria to school this morning. Why don’t you two play nicely while I get some coffee, ok?” Lysette left Gloria and Fleabot at the booth while she ordered some coffee and donuts.
    
“I’m sorry if I hurt you,” said Gloria.
    
“That’s ok,” said Fleabot. He increased his size by a factor of four just in case-to make it for difficult to be flicked.
    
“Wow, that’s awesome; you can make yourself bigger.”
    
“Just one of my modest talents. So what music are you listening to?”
    
“You probably don’t know them.”
    
“Why, just because I’m a robotic flea? You don’t think robotic fleas listen to music?”
    
“Ok, ok. I’m listening to Dropkick Murphys.”
    
“That’s cool. I once saw them play live.”
    
“You’ve seen Dropkick Murphys live?” Gloria was in awe.
    
“Hey, what respectable fleabot doesn’t like an Irish punk band who does almost nothing but drinking songs?”

Gloria giggled. “Your awesome Fleabot. Do you hang out here much?”
    
“Um, yeah.”
    
“Right on. Well, I’ll see you around when I’m in your neck of the woods again.”

“Ok, bye.” Fleabot stood on the table and watched the petite teenager named Gloria leave Bean and Donut with Lysette. Maybe I should have been a guidance counselor, he thought. “Why yes,” Fleabot imagined. “I think you should definitely consider a career as a punk rocker young man but only after going through a brief stint as a Goth and earning your doctorate in finite math.” Fleabot hopped off the table and meandered back to his spot on the counter where he ordered a éclair.

Lysette bought a coffee for herself and milk for Gloria, figuring she’s already had too much coffee. She handed the bag of donuts to Gloria as she opened the front door to her Cadillac.

Then, she unlocked the passenger side door for Gloria, and Gloria climbed in.
Gloria enjoyed riding in the huge Cadillac. It swayed like a boat, and she felt like she was floating down the freeway or city streets. She hoped one day that Lysette would let her drive it (just once,) but Lysette made no promises. In truth, Lysette was a little afraid that Gloria wouldn’t be able to see over the steering wheel, but she didn’t have the heart to say anything. It would be another year before Gloria could get her license, so Lysette decided not to worry about it until then.

Gloria was on her way to her new school, which was on the other side of town. It was Lysette’s idea and she insisted, which was fine with Gloria. It’s not like she had much of a choice anyway, since most of Hell’s Bathroom burnt to the ground a week ago. The blaze was quite spectacular, but Gloria could only watch it as she, her mom and Lysette drove away from it.

Lysette pulled along side the curb in front of the entrance to the school. Gloria gave it a long look over. Christian Valley. Great. What a wonderful name for a school, Gloria thought sarcastically. For a moment, she just sat in the car and watched the students loiter around and enter the double glass, entrance doors. There were Juniper bushes lining the walls, which branched out from either side of the school’s office and entrance.

It was a typical school, nothing special. Despite its name, Christian Valley was not a private school, so students weren’t wearing any special uniform or seemed to have any dress code of any kind. That girl looks so skanky, Gloria thought out loud as she spotted a student in a very mini-mini skirt.

“Try to have a good day,” Lysette smiled. “And give me your weed Gloria.”

“What? I don’t have any weed,” Gloria said, trying to sound innocent.

“Come on Gloria, the eighth you’ve got stashed in the hidden pocket of your backpack.” Gloria scrunched up her face and gave Lysette an annoyed look. Lysette giggled.

“You’ve been snooping?” Gloria asked indignantly.

“No, but I saw you sewing that secret compartment into your backpack last night" Gloria grudgingly opened her backpack and gave Lysette the sandwich bag lined with weed at the bottom. “And the razor, honey.”

“Lysette, come on. How am I going to protect myself?”

“Find a teacher or the campus security.” Gloria stuck out her tongue and plucked a razor out from underneath it. Then, she handed it to Lysette.

“Fine, have a good day at work,” Gloria snarled.

“Honey, I am at work,” Lysette smiled. Gloria slammed the car door and stormed off.

First period. Homeroom. Nothing eventful. Gloria raised her hand and asked to be excused to go to the restroom. The teacher granted her a hall pass, and she walked around until she found a woman’s restroom. ‘Wow, this is the cleanest restroom I’ve ever been in,’ Gloria thought. She found an empty stall and closed the door. Gloria rolled up the pant leg of her blue jeans, revealing a secret pocket. As she unzipped the pocket, she admired her work. She was very proud of her sewing skills. There was another eighth of weed and a razor in there. She left the weed in her pocket but took the razor out and stuck it in her mouth. Just then, she heard two voices enter the restroom.

“Oh my god, Mrs. Marvel is such a bitch; she wants us to read the whole chapter tonight.”

“Can you believe that wart on her face? She should have it removed. Doesn’t she think of anyone else beside herself?

Gloria peered through he crack between door and partition of the bathroom stall. She saw two girls standing around a couple mirrors primping themselves. They were very pretty, and even though they were preppy, Gloria saw something in them that she wanted, but she wasn’t really sure what it was. She felt like talking to them.
    
Both of the girls were slightly taller than Gloria and they both wore makeup. One of them was blonde and the other had light brown, curly hair. They both dressed nicely. The Blonde wore a denim skirt and white blouse, and her friend wore blue overalls.
Gloria opened the door to the bathroom stall and greeted them. “Hey, what’s going on?” Gloria asked.
    
“What do you want midget?” the blonde girl asked.
    
“Midget. That was a great one Jennifer,” her friend said.
    
“I just…” Gloria wasn’t sure how to play this.
    
“Why don’t you run away and marry Frodo.” Jennifer said. Gloria became furious. She was tempted, very tempted to reach for the razor, but she didn’t. She knew she wouldn’t be justified, because this girl, Jennifer, hadn’t physically attacked her. Gloria became cool; she just shrugged her shoulders and walked out of the bathroom as if she never talked to Jennifer and her fat friend.
    
Much of Gloria’s day was becoming routine. She introduced herself to her teachers, and they gave her the usual spiel and “Welcome to Valley Christian,” junk. By lunchtime, Gloria was bored out of her mind. Her classes were all right and she decided her chemistry class would probably be the most interesting. Before lunch ended, Gloria found a guy in a leather jacket named Mark. She pulled him aside and asked him if he wanted to skip third period and get stoned. That sounded like a great idea to Mark, so the two skipped third period and hung out under the bleachers at the school’s track.
    
Gloria deftly removed the razor under her tongue and stuck it in her back pocket without Mark noticing. Then, she took Mark’s pipe, packed it with weed and took a hit.

“Ok, give me a hit,” Mark said.
    
“Hush, be patient my boy,” Gloria responded. She handed the red, translucent pipe and lighter to Mark, and he took a hit as she lay down on the soft earth. After Mark took a long hit and held it in, he coughed and gagged. Gloria laughed. Mark lay on his side and handed the pipe to Gloria.
    
Gloria inhaled a sigh and enjoyed the sunshine that made its way through the space between the bleachers and warmed her face. She closed her eyes, and then, she felt Mark’s lips on hers.
    
“Ooh, hey there baby.”
    
“Hey,” Mark said nervously. Gloria put her hand around his head and pulled him in closer. They were making out for a couple minutes when Mark tried to feel her up. As he slid his hand under Gloria’s shirt, she stopped him.
    
“Hold on there. I don’t want to do that yet.”
    
“Come on, we have time.”
    
“Time for what?” Gloria asked, confused.
    
“Come on, you know.”
    
“Jesus Mark; I’m not going to let you fuck me here in the middle of school.”
    
“Come on, what’s your problem.”
    
“Get off me Mark.”
    
“No, let’s just stay here.” Mark tried kissing Gloria again, and she turned her head.
    
“No Mark, get off.” Mark ignored Gloria and continued trying to kiss her. He also tried feeling her up, so Gloria pushed him as hard as she could.
    
“What the fuck you little bitch? You asked me to come out here.”
    
“I didn’t say I was going to fuck you. Jesus, Mark. I don’t even know you. Get out of here.” As Mark stood up a bunch of dust was kicked up. Before he walked away, he looked back and said, “You fucking whore.”
    
Gloria remained sitting under the bleachers, coughing on the dust as she watched Mark walk away. When he was gone, she pulled her knees up to her chest and started crying. She didn’t care about Mark so much, but it bothered her that a guy didn’t like her except for a cheap thrill. What’s wrong with me? Gloria thought.
    
After a bit, Gloria pushed herself off the ground. She brushed the dirt off her blue jeans and shuffled to her next class. She felt shitty for the rest of the day until Lysette came and picked her up. When the black Cadillac pulled alongside the curb, Gloria brightened up a bit.
    
“Hey, how was your day honey?” Lysette asked as Gloria climbed in the beast of a vehicle.
    
“It sucked ass. Goddamn it, where I can find plastic explosives?”
    
“Well, maybe someone like the Hood has some, but let’s not got there yet, ok?” Seeing Gloria was a little distressed, Lysette began rubbing her back. “Hey, why don’t we go see a movie, and tomorrow will be a different day, ok?”
    
“Yeah, sounds good. Thanks, Lysette,” Gloria said as she turned and smiled at her friend.
    
A week later, Gloria found herself sitting in Bean and Donut, which had become her morning routine. As usual, Fleabot hopped on Gloria’s table and chewed the fat with her for a bit.
    
“Why so glum?” Fleabot asked.
    
“I’m not glum. Why, do I look glum?” Gloria asked.
    
“A little. How are things at school?”
    
“Fine I suppose.”
    
“You have new friends?”
    
“No.”
    
“No?”
    
“No, everyone has been talking a lot of shit about me lately. They call me midget now. I walked into the restroom yesterday, and someone scrawled, “Kill the midget whore” on the bathroom wall.”
    
“Jesus. Do you know who wrote that?”
    
“Yeah, this girl Jennifer wrote it, and she’s pissed at me, because I kissed her boyfriend under the bleachers my first day.”
    
“That sounds quite intense,” Fleabot observed.
    
“The only people there who want to hang out with me are guys who think I’ll put out, because Jennifer’s dipshit boyfriend said he fucked my brains out under the bleacher.”
    
“Christ. So there’s no one you can hang out with?”
    
“Just you bud,” Gloria said, and gently stroked Fleabot’s head with her forefinger. “Well, it’s that time again. I’ve got to go, but I’ll see you tomorrow. Ok?”
    
“Yeah, take it easy Gloria.” Fleabot watched Gloria exit Bean and Donut and waved good-bye to her. Fuck, he thought. Some kids bear the impossible on their shoulders.


Jack Bryson
copyright 2005
    
    

    
    


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